Posted on August 8, 2016
Huddled around Hope
My dad has been gone for 5 years. His battle lasted almost 3 years. So we have grieved for 8 years. Our grief has been extreme and light hearted. Constant and intermittent.
Today we are all wearing black and spending the day gathering with lifelong friends to celebrate the life and legacy of an incredible man. I look forward to hearing stories of redemption and faith found because of a life well lived and a Savior well represented.
My friend lost her husband. It was sudden.
I can’t imagine her heartache or grief. I won’t pretend to understand her loss.
That’s the thing about grief. It’s all yours, not someone else’s. It can’t be shared or fully understood. Even if you have lost the same family member, you’ve not lost that specific family member. No death is ever the same. No loss is ever the same. No heartache is ever the same.
When you’re the one that loses, the words of others don’t fill the hole you feel. There are a lot of words thrown at you. So, when my friend was the one losing, I didn’t send her words. I’m waiting. She’s got enough words she’s hearing and reading and saying right now. She doesn’t need anymore. She will in a few weeks. And that’s when the words can help.
Our family huddles up in the wake of others’ grief. We know. We feel. We pause together and take deep breaths. We remember and every new loss opens our gently sealed hurts just a little bit. We laugh and find great joy in the stories of Toot Toot Tommy.
Even after 5 years, my dad sneaks up on me like a ninja. I am blessed with simple reminders of how he loved big and laughed hard.
Grief is hard. And weird. And it’s really not my favorite. Though we miss my larger than life daddy, we celebrate his life and have peace with where he is and where it has brought us.
Updated on August 1, 2016
Letters to My Children: Summer is Ending
Each month my friends post letters to their children. They are funny and loving…I’m not sure how I got in with this group of talented photographers. But they haven’t kicked me out yet and we have another group of letters. Click the link at the end of my post to see how talented Michelle is with words and pictures.
Dearest Michael and Katelynn,
Usually it’s time for the letter and I don’t feel like saying nice things to you. This past year has been a struggle! But we are having more good days lately. And I think it’s because you guys are growing up!
Summer is rapidly coming to an end.
We have 21 more days until school starts back up. That’s three more weeks of our current routine.
We have had such a good summer. It’s been busy but full of fun. We’ve started chores…for real! I’m very proud of how hard you’ve worked. It has helped me so much to have your help. Now that we have battled and resolved that they aren’t going away, your attitude is a little better. Thank you for learning to take the trash out and clean bathrooms and clean floors and all the other things you have learned to do.
Thank you for calling me everyday. All day. Repeatedly. As annoying as the constant calls at inopportune times has been, I will still miss them. I’ll miss having updates of your morning. But I won’t miss the calls that start with “Tell Michael to stop …..”.
Katelynn, today you called to see if you could bake cupcakes. When I got home, they were baked, cooled, and iced. When did you get so big?
Michael, you worked out at school this summer. You played so much baseball in the heat. And you have become a typical 7th grade boy. Teasing, joking, tricking! The prank calls are about to wear me out but I enjoy this stage you’ve entered.
Thank you for coming to camp and for having such a great attitude even though it was super duper hot. Thanks for going so I could go!
Next letter we will be a week into school. Last year of elementary school and second year of middle school. How did you get so old?!?
Love you to the moon and back!
Mom
Click here to jump over to Michelle’s blog. She is one of my favorite people and photographers. Click and enjoy!
Posted on July 21, 2016
At Peace with NO
In May, I had the opportunity and privilege to meet Jamie Ivey. She is a podcaster that I follow/stalk on social media. I sat down by myself because I went by myself and Jamie Ivey sat at the table. And she was gracious and funny. I told her all about chickens because that’s the quick way to get a mentor-type person to admire you. (ugh…)
Her words struck me right in the feels. I had been struggling with some life stuff and almost cancelled on myself but decided I NEEDED to be at the Story Cast event and be with people…it turned out to be such a fantastic event for my heart and my head. It turns out that this day would change my direction in a very unexpected way.
She told a story about being a DJ at a radio station in Austin. (How cool is that?) And she told the other side of the story about how she quit the job because her family needed her to be home and to not be a famous DJ. It was a beautiful story about not getting what you think your heart desires because the story God has lined out for you may not be exactly how you pictured it would be.
Exciting things are not happening for me…and I’m okay with that.
I’m not selling Lularoe. I don’t even know if I told you that I was on the list and had saved the money to sell Lularoe. I waited for 3 months to be called and prayed earnestly about IF it was the right thing for our family. I didn’t want to rock the boat OR miss out on a great opportunity. I was totally torn with what I was supposed to be doing and how either decision would affect my family…negatively or positively.
About a month after the Story Cast event, I woke up at 2am and couldn’t sleep. My brain wouldn’t shut up. I had been thinking hard about what having a second job would do to our family dynamic and how it would change our lazy days. Were the amazing opportunities something I was supposed to grab hold of? What about how it would help our family financially? Is this the story I want for our family? Finally, around 5:00, I had not found sleep but I did find the very hard answer.
It came as a whisper. No. No. No.
No, don’t take advantage of this incredible opportunity.
No, don’t take a second job that could give you the money to do things you’ve put on the back burner.
No, don’t do it. Because these “middles” that are growing in your home need you.
I could work full time. I chose not to for now. I’ve worked full time in a pretty oppressive office environment and left the kids in the care of some amazing and loving women. Because that was the season I was in at the time. That’s not my season now. And I’m okay with that (most days).
Handsome woke up around 6:30…and I told him I decided No. Turns out he was leaning toward no too. By the time I got to work, the whispered No had turned to a boisterous NO. And the burden I felt at 2 am had disappeared.
For a few days, I felt complete peace with the decision and contentment with the place and space I was filling.
Have you had these worries wake you in the night? Have you said no when the logical answer looks like it should be yes? Are you far enough away that you can see how this hard answer was so right?
Tell me about it… next time I’ll tell you how this no actually opened me up to an even better and unexpected opportunity that started…
THE MORNING I SAID NO!
Updated on July 4, 2016
Double- Digits!
This firecracker is 10. DOUBLE-DIGITS! I’m not ready for her to become an official tween…but we’re here and this girl is ready for whatever life throws at her.
Dear Sister-Girl,
If you ever decide to become a superhero, may I suggest your official name be Sister-Girl? Katelynn, I am incredibly proud of you. Nine was a very hard year for you. I was so busy praying for your brother before the move and knew that you would rock any situation with the confidence you’ve always shown, that I totally forgot to worry about you starting a new school too. But you did…and man it was harder that we thought it would be.
Nine year old girls are not as welcoming as we had hoped. Nine year old girls who are not held accountable for their actions can make the day at school hard and overwhelming. But those nine year old girls didn’t break your spirit. And you found some other nine year old girls….you found some good ones.
You are an incredible person. You have always been so kind and compassionate with people. You can see someone struggling and have the forethought to help and seek out ways to improve the situation. For years, you have wanted to be a special needs nurse or teacher. You’ve taken hard classroom experiences and used them to help your classmates and your cousins.
Thank you for sticking it out! Thank you for showing up for school and being a great student even when things were super tough socially. Thank you for sticking up for yourself when the adults around you refused to address the situations appropriately. Thank you for talking to me and telling me how I can help you and when I need to sit back and let you handle it. You are so confident in who you are!
Thank you for being the best (only) girl cousin in our family. Thank you for responding to Carter every time he calls for his “Yak Yak” (even the 47th time). Thank you for playing and caring for all of our family. Thank you for waitressing and crafting for us. Thank you for always remembering birthdays and knowing what would be the perfect present.
Thank you for your smile. Thank you for giggles. Thank you for spending the year with braces and for being so tough when all the things were happening in your mouth.
Thank you for being our dancing queen. Thank you for always having the perfect moves for every song you hear. Thank you for practicing and performing with a smile on your face. Thank you for being such a joy and a light for our family.
Congrats on making it to the double digits. I look forward to each and every morning when you ask for me to fix your hair and help you pick out clothes that you probably will chose not to wear. Thank you for being my sister-girl.
I love you to the moon and back Katelynn.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You’ll never know dear how much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.
Happy Birthday girlfriend! Love, Mom
Updated on June 28, 2016
The Boy is Twelve!
My son is twelve. This post is to him to read when he’s ready to see sappy words from mom. Every time gifting is happening at our house, whether Christmas or birthdays, I sit in the floor to wrap gifts and always think….this is not enough. I should have done more. He won’t be satisfied with what we’ve done. And every time I’m wrong. It’s a good reminder that maybe the stuff isn’t what’s important. May we all be so satisfied with life that what we have right in front of us is exactly enough.
Dearest Michael,
Happy Birthday. You made it to twelve. I am so proud of you and the young man you have become. I can’t believe you are one year away from being a real teenager and four years away from driving. Yikes!
I’m proud of your dedication to baseball and your team each season. I was so surprised last summer when you called me to tell me you were trying out for a team in our new town. I was so proud when you went to tryouts and showed how well you know this game. I was so excited that you took initiative to be a part of a team after we moved. Your decision helped our transition to Gladewater. Your bravery to try new things allowed us the opportunity to make new friends and learn more about our new community. Your commitment to never miss a practice speaks volumes about you. You are a teachable player, a good teammate, and my very favorite baseball player. Thank you for working so hard, for giving me a good way to keep a tan from spring to fall, and for showing up for your team in attitude and skill.
I am so proud of the friends you have made this year. I was so worried when we moved that you would have a rough transition…new town and new school and new people and MIDDLE SCHOOL. I prayed so hard that your heart would be protected and you would survive this first year. Not only did you survive, you thrived! You made some good friends that hold you accountable to be a good young man and to serve the Lord. I am so thrilled and thankful for the boys.
Then there’s school…DUDE! We had no idea what we were doing when we checked all the boxes for your 6th grade classes. Your decision to try all advanced classes was brave…and was totally the right decision. Thank you for being responsible with your work at school and for being a good student. Thank you for representing our family well and for being kind to your classmates and teachers. I am so proud all of the awards you received for your hard work . I am also so glad that this is your home. Gladewater Bear for life!
Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for taking selfies with me every time I ask. Thank you for being kind to others and for understanding that our move was a leap of faith. Thank you for your soft heart and love of Jesus. Thank you for reminding me to love others when they are not easy to love and annoying.
MJ. Happy Birthday. Have a good day. Be a good friend. Be kind. Remember that I love you.
The Lord Bless you and keep you
The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you
The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
Love, mom.
Updated on June 24, 2016
Summertime Living
Summer is here. That means we are enjoying easy days and sunshine.
According to Katelynn, we’ve done “nothing fun and Summer’s almost over”. Well, it’s not almost over and we’ve had tons of fun.
We VBS-ed our little hearts out. We’ve gone swimming at the city pool with our friends. We’ve gone to the movies and the sno-cone stand.
But more importantly (and probably more to her point) we’ve learned to do CHORES! All on our own. I had the bright idea that we would learn responsibility this summer. For three weeks (or the whole summer if you ask K), I’ve hidden the remotes, the iPad, and the old iPhones every morning when I leave for work.
Here is their morning routine:
I have these posted by the fridge. Each morning my sweet little pre-teens stand glaring at this as they decide what’s the minimum they can do to get access to the remotes.
It has been so nice to come home from work to a clean house. It has been so nice to imagine my children cheerfully cleaning and caring for our home whilst I’m away.
Of course, it’s been more like this…
(Hangry anyone?)
Please understand we aren’t reading. We are writing random Proverbs verses or drawing pictures instead. We have a sour attitude toward words and books so we tabled it for June with good intentions of picking up a good book in July. I’m willing to sacrifice my children’s education for clean floors!
How are you surviving summer? Are you the children’s summer cruise director or do you spend the summer working on your tan?
Whatever your summer looks like, I hope it’s full of laughter and good times for your family.
Posted on April 18, 2016
Farming ain’t easy
It’s springtime here on the farm.
It’s also springtime at your house, so I guess that’s not a real surprise. However, we’ve got all the farm stuff happening so I thought I would share some pictures.
I need to name this chicken. She’s the only one that leaves the pen. Every. Day. I catch her and put her back in (after a little chase and a little frustration). Let’s call her Gretchen.
After planting the garden, I placed all of the tags by each plant so that I could tell which peppers were jalapeño and which where banana peppers, which plant was cantaloupe and which was watermelon, etc. Gretchen walked through the garden and removed all the tags. We watched her walk by and pull the tag from the ground.
Gretchen also lays her eggs on some hay on the burn pile behind the shop. We found 5 there the first day we discovered them. And she leaves the pen everyday to lay her egg for the day on the burn pile.
The chickens are spoiled. They like fruit and veggie scraps and will meet me at the gate when they see me coming.
Never have picked this one up. She’s nosey but fast when I reach down to get her.
The view from the back of the chicken pen. They are in a fence area where our fruit trees are planted.
This is our blackberry bush. I had to put chicken wire around it to keep Gretchen and the other girls out. I don’t want to share the blackberries.
Here are today’s eggs. (And some cows in the background). We have about 18 eggs a day. Today I found 21 (which is impossible since we have 19 chickens).
See that black spot? There was a plant there. I don’t know which plant since Gretchen remove the tags. She finished her job by pulling this plant out completely. I think she hates me.
Here’s the garden. This was a few days ago. The plants have already grown. My goal is to harvest enough to share with the neighbors at the community garden. If that plan fails, maybe I can barter with our eggs.
So we are settling in. Naming chickens and wearing mud boots because chickens are pretty gross. You should come out. It’s really not that farm-y and I’m sure real farmer would laugh at my city-girl attempts. I’ll get there eventually and we will laugh at Gretchen and our garden attempts.
We are struggling with growing up in a small town and being the new kids at school. I feel like we meet new people every week. And God has been faithful to not let me stew in my loneliness.
I’m building our farm and my tribe (and it may include our good friend Gretchen).
Posted on March 27, 2016
Floor Ham and Easter Eggs
Lent is over. I didn’t stick with it. I didn’t finish my photo of the day with Rethink Church. I didn’t get all of the 40 days with Jesus written down. I skipped pages in my Lent book at the end.
I forgot that sister still believes in the Easter bunny and had to rush to CVS last night to load up on all things Easter and keep the charade going for another holiday.
I did not buy new clothes for the family. We did not match at church this morning. I did not get a picture of us together at church.
We were late to a packed church.
I dropped the platter of pineapple slices and ham on the floor as I was transferring it to the table.
I started sobbing as I hovered over the mess. This type of meal is so stressful for me and another “failure” for the day was more than I could handle.
I faked a nap after lunch because I didn’t want to get up and pretend I was excited about hiding eggs outside…
In spite of all that….
We celebrated his resurrection at church. We observed the Lord’s Supper. All of my people have accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior. Our family of four observed and discussed how today changes everything.
My kids are dying Easter eggs and have decided to have an Easter egg hunt this afternoon to celebrate a special day with our family. Because floor ham doesn’t determine if this is going to be a good day.
But more than that….
Jesus’ empty tomb means that SHAME has no ground on which to stand.
He is risen. And it changes everything.
Updated on February 23, 2017
Covenant
Covenant: an agreement.
Handsome and I entered into a covenant on June 2, 2001. About 15 years ago I was beginning to stress about all the details for that day. We had only been engaged for 2 weeks but I knew we had to get the balls rolling in the right direction.
Our story isn’t miraculous. Our story has ups and downs. At one point there were so many tears I wasn’t sure we would make it. We had a kid…and then survived a second pregnancy and two children under 3.
I believe he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I believe he loves so deeply that it hurts him. I believe he could change the world if he wanted to. I believe he puts our family at the front of his mind every second of the day.
Years ago, I learned to love him even when I didn’t like him much. I’ve told countless young girls that it was important that your husband was hot…because when he makes you mad, and he will, it helps that you think he is beautiful when you look at him.
We were hurting deeply after my dad’s stroke. Part of me died the weeks after my dad’s stroke and it threatened to destroy my marriage.
To survive, I began praying EVERYDAY for God to “show me how to love him…today”.
I would tell God “he was dumb” and “needed a good kick in the shins” BUT “God please show me how he needs me to love him today”.
Or, “please show me how I can honor him today…even if I don’t want to”.
I don’t have to pray this as much anymore. I’m thankful that my love for Handsome grew exponentially at a time when so many marriages crumble.
A promise to love is hard. It takes work. It takes years. It takes an uncomfortable vulnerability. And it takes prayer. Loving the ugly isn’t easy. But it’s so worth trying.
It also helps that he is a beautiful man!
Joyfully full of it!
Tiff
Posted on February 2, 2016
Friendship
Day 2 of my February photo challenge is friendship.
This one is hard. Whether new or old, love is such a big part of friendship for me.
I love my friends from Ennis, from ETBU, from UMHB (the one I still talk to), from Sam Houston and Huntsville, from Tyler/Flint and now from Gladewater and all y stop along the way.
So instead of picking a favorite friend, I decided to post a picture of my written in bible.
I’m learning about Jesus being my friend as we walk through so many hard things.
There has got to be something to this recurring “love” theme…
