Posted on March 12, 2017

Self-working it out

I feel like I’m constantly in motion. It would be nice to totally blame this on the children but it would also be false. I’m an over-committer. When you compound that character trait with people-pleasing and comparison, you have a nasty combination.

I’m walking down the path of no return… yep, I’m heading face first into my 40s this year. And since this is the beginning of the end (I kid…sort of), I taking this year to work on things that have been shoved in a small pot on the back burner.

This process is hard. And I’m working hard to not feel shame for these areas where I feel insecure and timid.

1. The blog.

I love this space. I love that I get to have a place to put words. But being here makes me nervous and insecure. What if you judge me with words and situations I openly tell you about? What if you disagree with words and situations and sum-ups that I openly tell you about?

Go ahead. Because this is my space for my words that I want to share. I typically only post when it’s funny or when it hurts. The funny is here because I love to laugh. The hurt is here because I so deeply do not want you to feel alone.

I have signed up for a course this year to make my blog better and my confidence sky high! I want to come here confident and full of something special just for you.

That being said, these first few months will be hard. I have to learn language that feels foreign. But I want this space to be fulfilling not fearful…

2. The self.

This is the most insecure area of my life. I despise myself so often that it’s unhealthy. (And I hide it so often which is also unhealthy). So I’m here. I tall and built like my dad. No longer can I hold hope of being smaller nor do I constantly want to be “on a diet”. But more than that, I want my daughter to have a healthy sense of self. I want her to be confident and love who God made her to be.

So, I had to ask for help from a stranger. (Kill me now). And I have to decide that I was worth a little money and time. Because this “me” may be downhill from here but I’m going to cut down on the friction.

This work is embarrassing. My brain is broken when it comes to body image and thoughts of food. So this space is where I will be honest about how I feel and who I am.

3. The faith.

The past two years have been a treacherous journey for my faith life. I feel like I’m in constant battle with stereotypical norms and deep desires of my heart. And I have hidden my dislike and mistrust and overall angst.

Not anymore.

Here is where I’m going to feel confident with my faith journey. Even all the ugly parts. Even the parts that feel shameful. It’s important that I come to this space with honest “crap days” and “hallelujahs”.

4. The farm.

I am the Chicken Princess at the feed store. AKA: C.P.

No one else is going to tell the stories of Hector, Kevin, Stanley, Gretel, Goldilocks, or Barbara…because they’re chickens and its joyfully ridiculous. I’m also clueless and need you to laugh with me.

Your path may be longing for another’s to cross. Here’s my road. Jump on. We can walk together until you’re ready to switch paths.

Happy Sunday. Rest today. Find space to breathe.